8 Steps You Should Take To Make Your Marriage Divorce Proof
Noone gets married to turn around and get divorced. Read further to see what 8 steps you should be taking to make sure that never happens.
So you have done the deed. You bagged your "soul mate" and you are still a little mind blown about it. How did you find this amazing person? How the heck are you going to keep them by your side? Marriage is not easy, it is a full time job essentially, BUT it is FUN. Rather it should be. I am going to take you through 8 simple steps that you can take regularly, check all of those boxes, to make sure that partner of yours stays your partner til death does you part.
Step 1: Take Care of Your Needs
First and foremost, put yourself and your own needs first. Your physical and mental well-being are important! If you are not taking care of your needs, how can you even begin to care about the needs of someone else? Fuel your body with nutritious food, get outside and exercise, find a hobby, journal; whatever you need to do to feel like your best self, do it.
Step 2: Drop The Expectations
One of the first things my husband relayed to me when we started dating was this: "If you want me to do something for you, you have to tell me. Otherwise, I WILL NOT KNOW. I can not read hints and I will fail you. Save us both the trouble and communicate what you want." That has always stuck with me. Of course, I still fail and put expectations on him that he either has no clue I need him to meet or he is incapable of meeting. At the end of the day, I come back to this thought: If you do not communicate your expectations to your significant other, they will not meet them.
Step 3: Seek Help Early
Do not by any means let the stigma of therapy deter you from going. Definitely do not let it keep you from going until it is too late. Go early, before small fights simmer and turn into core issues. Not only does a therapist help you work out your own feelings but they will help you to understand your partners. Plus it is a third party point of view in the HEALTHIEST way, instead of trying to air out your relationship troubles to your friends or family - not the best bet. A place like Restorative Counseling Services that offers Atlanta Couples Therapy is a great option!
Step 4: Spend Time Apart
Alone time is important. Being by yourself and doing things that makes you happy is important. You know what else is important? Hanging out with your friends! It is totally fine to hang out as couples every now and then but women need girls nights and men need bro time. We talk about different things and connect with each other in different ways when our partner is not present. Now, If you don't trust your partner to hang out with their friends alone, that is already a core issue and I would highly suggest doing step 3 ASAP. Trust is so important in marriage!
Step 5: Recognize Each Other's Love Language
I am sure you have heard of the five love languages, yeah? We all experience love differently. Often we accept it one way but give it another. For example, I feel the most loved through touch but I show love by giving acts of service! It is important that I know that about myself so that I can communicate to my partner what I need to feel loved and vice versa so we can show them love in how they feel it the most deeply!
If you have not heard of the 5 love languages, they are as follows:
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
There is a really informative article where you can read all about them as well as take a love language quiz here: The 5 Love Languages Explained
Step 6: Have Sex
GET IT ON. No seriously.
Did you know that feeling of "bleh" or "I am too tired" or "I'm not attracted to so & so" are mind things that can be overcomed? How? You simply divert your thought process. In the same way that you notice an attractive person but instead of zoning in and indulging yourself, you look away and continue on with your own business. You will have have forgotten what that person even looked like 30 minutes later if you do this. Attraction is much deeper than the surface so if you feel you aren't attracted to your partner, what ARE you attracted to? What has been diverting your attention from your spouse. Find that and demolish it. Then start small! Have a day of the week or a certain number of times in the week set aside so you can get down and dirty. My husband and I have "Sexy Sundays"! As parents we just couldn't find the time, so we made it a priority! It seemed inconvenient at first but now he can't keep me off him!
Also, the whole "you can look but you can't touch" thing... that is not a thing and can be harmful to your marriage. Of course as human beings we will notice attraction, that is totally natural and OKAY but indulging further in that lust is destructive. If you struggle with this, as I have in the past, see a therapist. They are amazing.
Step 7: Fight Fairly
Surprise, Surprise! ALL COUPLES FIGHT. In fact, fighting is healthy - if you do it right, lovingly. Taking it back to step two, most arguments in a marriage stem from unmet expectations and assumptions. ASSUMPTIONS. Who made the assumption, who made the expectation? It was you wasn't it? Now think about how unfair that is. Don't "you did this" or "you didn't do this", because realistically you are the one not communicating those needs. Apologize for making that assumption or setting that expectation. Apologize for your attitude and explain why it isn't fair and then communicate why you were upset in the first place!
Think about it like this: even if your partner is 80% of the problem, you are not faultless. You are the other 20% because conflict does not arise unless there are two opposing forces. Check yourself first. Admit your faults. Communicate to your partner in a calm and loving way what sparked your anger and then work. it. out. If it is something you both don't agree on, whether you like it or not - compromise. And actually compromise. Do not do that thing where you say you are compromising but really you only want it your way. Try to understand your partners views on the matter and if you just don't get it, refer back to step 3.
Step 8: Be Friends!
Arguably the most important step is this: your partner is your best friend! Throw "Bros before Hoes" and "Chicks before Dicks" out the window because once you marry your partner you have created a lifetime bond as one. Your partner comes first before EVERYTHING (except yourself and God) and you should be happy to do that! The best way to find joy in this is tobe the best of friends. Cut up with each other and laugh. Tease and get to know each others hobbies. Cheer each other on and HANG OUT. Go on dates regularly. REGULARLY.